Native Northern Kentuckian Enjoys Onion Story about Brandon Phillips and Pretzels

ATLANTA--A Native of northern Kentucky now living in Atlanta, Georgia, who grew up a diehard fan of the Cincinnati Reds, thoroughly enjoyed reading today's blurb in The Onion about Brandon Phillips eating Rold Gold pretzels while manning second base. Reached for comment, current Atlantan Nani J. Cootsack mused, "I liked the article about Brandon Phillips. I like BP, and I think he does just as well when he's packin' snacks. Although it gets a little wacky when he brings a cup of Kool-Aid out there too."

"It brought back memories of attending my Dad's softball games," the hungry 32-year old continued, "watching him pitch with a handful of pretzels in his glove hand and a can of Frito Lay's Mild Cheddar cheese dip in his back pocket. He ate the long thick pretzels though and usually would conceal them in his sock. He'd get so focused on eating pretzels and dip, that sometimes he'd forget the softball and serve up a watermelon in the form a puck-sized can of queso. Good thing his catcher wore a bib."
For reference, The Onion entry:

CINCINNATI—Claiming he just needed "a little something to nibble on," Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips brought out a glove full of miniature Rold Gold pretzels as a "between-pitches snack" during Tuesday night's game against the Braves. "Let's get 'em, guys," said Phillips, who perfectly timed his crunching with the crack of the bat to remove any suspicion. "Whattayasay now, infield! Let's turn two, let's, mmm, is that honey mustard?" Phillips was later marked with an error after scooping up a ground ball and accidentally showering shortstop Alex Gonzalez with a handful of pretzels while taking a bite out of the game ball.

Local Man Convinced He Could Write for "The Onion"

Reached for comment, Nani J. Cootsack stated plainly, "Leave me alone. Who are you? I never said that! Someone call security."

Perfect Economic Analysis of TJ Maxx Provided by The Onion

The Onion spits out a classic on TJ Maxx:

Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession

January 12, 2009 | Issue 45•03

T.J. Maxx's semi-annual or going-out-of-business sale.

CHICAGO—While a majority of the nation's top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if discount clothing store T.J. Maxx has been affected by widespread recession.

Financial analysts, observing more than 100 locations nationwide, cited large quantities of off-brand and wildly scattered merchandise as evidence that T.J. Maxx has either been devastated by the economic downturn, or is carrying on as usual in spite of it.

"The state of this store does not in any way correspond to our standard criteria for judging long-term viability," said economist Graham Stinson, referring to Chicago's Fullerton Avenue branch, where more than half of the fluorescent lights are burnt out. "For instance, the canvas bins heaped with broken stemware in aisle six may be a sign that T.J. Maxx is on the verge of complete bankruptcy. Either that, or it's doing perfectly fine. It's impossible to say which."

Further evidence of T.J. Maxx's imminent foreclosure or, possibly, its wholly unaffected condition, included reports of shoppers rummaging through barrels of lamps up to their shoulders, multiple sightings of bras stuffed into children's shoes, the impromptu sale of in-store display cases for cash, and an excess of golf-based giftware.

Although economists were able to make firsthand observations of customers rifling through overturned clothing racks, their requests to analyze the company's financial records were met with confusion. Stinson and his team were eventually provided with a water-stained folder of handwritten receipts, but failed to make use of most of the data due to its ripped, soiled, and often indecipherable state.

Compiled interviews with customers also provided little insight. Many reported seeing "Cash Only, No Refunds" signs posted in every store and recalled having to climb over sacks of winter coats to reach clearance bins of mix-and-match earrings, leading economists to believe that the discount chain may be suffering after all.

"They must be doing really badly if they're selling this crap really cheap," said Lake Forest, IL resident Brian Crowe, carrying an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers to his car. "You've got to take advantage before this place shuts its doors for good."

Others, however, see T.J. Maxx poised to have a very lucrative year in 2009.

"That place must be doing pretty well," frequent customer Mark Rankin said. "I just saw some guy walking around with an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers."

With only one checkout lane remaining in most stores, some financial experts speculate that the retailer can no longer afford to employ workers. A two-week study of a Cleveland-area location did, however, turn up some minor evidence of a workforce, including the sighting of three folded shirts and a number of individuals smoking and playing Uno in the break room.

"Our analysis of T.J. Maxx's workforce was inconclusive, as we were never totally sure anyone was actually employed there," economist Libby Archer said. "Although, I suppose the lack of a distinct uniform could be a sign that they're doing well enough to move to a more upscale, boutique-type image for the store. That woman I saw drop a load of 20 sweaters onto a table of hats might have been the lead salesgirl."

"She did tell me to get the fuck out of her way," Archer added.

Economists were, however, able to locate a single store manager after months of searching. James Boucher, who runs the domestic department of the Smyrna, GA location, was found weeping in the middle of a sock aisle and was unable to comment on the store's current financial status—a sign that may suggest the overall mood at T.J. Maxx is more dire than previously thought.

"Oh, Jim is crying all the time," said possible coworker Anita Rouse. "He's been breaking down in tears once a day since he started here nine years ago."

Area Man Touched by Onion Article about Tennis Ball

A suburban-Atlanta man chuckled at The Onion headline, "Tennis Ball Brought On Trip," today, fondly recalling the several times that he, himself, had elected to toss a tennis ball, which had been just loitering about in his garage, into the back of his parents' van, ready to embark on a several-hour trip to the beach.

Upon reading article itself, Nani J. Cootsack warmly remembered the times that he had in fact used the tennis ball - tossing it on Myrtle Beach in the late 1980s or early 1990s with Freddy 4th Street or Conway Bangs.

Much later in life, in 1994, and back at Myrtle Beach, the tennis ball had been sadly neglected, left to rot in the trunk or hotel room while The Nani, Hot Rod, Billy Oceans 11, Jackie the Nose, and Sir Bangs, had righteously replaced it with babes and booze; by booze Nani refers to cases-upon-cases of Zima... and by babes, Nani refers to Conway and Jackie's friends from Marietta, Ohio, who were capable of slithering under doorways.