Stick Elected to Highest Position in America (for Toys)

CNN reports that The National Toy Hall of Fame has inducted the stick into its majestic institution. Claiming that voter fraud had much to do with the selection of the stick, an alliance formed by some mud, a crab-apple, a dandelion, a pine-cone, and a flat-sided rock perfect for skipping, also filed a law suit claiming that they had been defamed by negative campaigning by the stick, which, in ads, had claimed that members of the alliance had once lived in a forest with several controversial figures, including the marijuana leaf and the magic mushroom.

The stick, which is alleged have once had a relationship with the mud, and actually lived "in the mud," could not be reached for comment.

Training for Ground Warfare and Hand-To-Hand Combat with Republicans

Today I begin my training. I am taking off work on Election Day to be a poll observer for the Obama campaign in the battleground state of Ohio. Training, as I understand it, is going to involve some Rocky Balboa style calesthenics - i.e., boxing against sides of beef in meat lockers, pulling up loads of rocks in nets via a pulley system, running through the snow, chasing chickens, running on the beach with Apollo Creed, etc.

The way I see it, there's only one way the Republicans can win this election - by stealing it. Which is exactly what they did in Ohio in 2004.

Well, not this time - at least not in the polling precinct I am assigned to. Republicans won't dare try to disenfrancise Obama voters when they see me dressed up in the red, white, and blue silk boxing shorts and ready to do battle.

I truly hope it is an uneventful day on Tuesday, but if not, there's only one question: who's got my bail money?

Pay Attention To Who You Vote For

Sadly, this isn't surprising, but you should be aware that it's happening



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