McCain / Palin Campaign Demands Apology From Cincinnati Road Race

In the wake of the recent flap over Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama's recent remark that the Republican Presidential Nominee, John McCain's claim to be the candidate of change amounted to "putting lipstick on a pig," the McCain campaign has lashed out at what they consider another sexist use of the word "pig."

This time the McCain campaign's target was Cincinnati's Flying Pig Marathon.

Speaking on behalf of the McCain campaign, former Massachusetts Gov. Jane Swift tonight flatly stated that the entire City of Cincinnati had called Palin a pig.

"[T]he formation of the Palin Truth Squad couldn't have happened too soon, as we saw when we discovered what I can only deem to be disgracefully named road race in Cincinnati, Ohio that compares our vice presidential nominee Gov. Palin to a pig," Swift said.

"The City of Cincinnati owes Gov. Palin an apology," she said.

Asked whether she knew that the name of the race dated back to a time before Palin was even Governor of Alaska, and why she would jump to the conclusion that one of the most conservative cities in America was "comparing" Palin to a pig, she said Palin was the only one of the four candidates on both parties' tickets who both must "fly" to reach another state, and who is, in fact, a pig.

"She is the only one of the four candidates for president, or the only vice presidential candidate who can't drive to a neighboring state, and the only one who's a pig, so...," Swift said. "Oh wait, that came out wrong. What I meant was, it seemed to me a very gendered comment."

But, Swift added, if "as part of its apology the City of Cincinnati wants to say, no, the race was named after Sen. McCain -- who is a true hero in our country, then I suppose we could wait en masse for an apology to that, as well."

It was pointed out to Swift that Cincinnati has other oddly named events, such as "Goettafest," Swift then suggested that Cincinnati was calling McCain "well, something nasty, I'm sure, although I don't know what that is."

"I have a fourth-grader and two second-graders at home," she said. "I bought them from a family of gypsies. Anyway, I would not teach them that this is sort of a high-minded city event when they are calling people goetta or a pig. In fact, it sounds a lot like some of the least intelligent debates on the playground sound like at our elementary school."

A reporter then reminded Swift that in December, McCain was asked about criticisms coming his way from then-opponent Gov. Mitt Romney, R-Mass., and McCain replied, "Did you ever hear the one about the ape raping the woman and the woman likes it?"

Was McCain being sexist or calling Romney an ape? a reporter asked Swift.

Of course not, Swift said. "He would be the first one to tell you, his wife's a c*nt. He can be as sexist as he wants. He deserves the latitude."

-- Rodney "Hot Rod" Lincoln fake reporting for the Tricky Trail Times.

Partially adapted from this blog post from Jake Tapper.

Newsflash: Laborers At Republican Outrage Factory To Unionize

In surprising development, workers at the official Republican Outrage Factory have met with representative of the Teamsters, in what is widely viewed as the first step toward a vote to unionize.

A worker who spoke to the Tricky Trail Times on condition of anonymity for fear of retribution, confirmed the suspicions. He explained, "lately it has just been unbearable. Ever since day 2 of the RNC, we just can't seem to create enough of our manufactured outrage."

The conditions went from bad to worse on the thrid day of convention, when Surprise Vice Presidential nominee, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, shot sarcastic zingers one after the other at, among other targets, Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama, the media, and any other person with or without a heartbeat who was not a registered Republican.

The already long hours at the Republican Outrage manufacturing facility turned into non-stop production. "Yeah, then it just got crazy," said the source. "I mean, the media - we were prepared for that, obviously. We have an entire assembly line dedicated to nothing but manufactured outrage at the media. And its fully automated, so any perceived slight, no matter how -well, stupid, and we can manufacture any amount of outrage, more or less on demand."

"And it looks genuine, too. For the most part," he added.

"But we just weren't prepared to manufacture outrage at community organizers. I mean, c'mon!" the source complained. "To do that right and make the outrage even look half real, you really need to dedicate a whole other assembly line just to that task."

Rather than do so, however, the source reports, the factory locked the doors and forced all shifts to stay with nothing more than 20-minute naps on cots in between their twenty-three hour and forty minute shifts.

"And so there we were trying to manufacture outrage for that, in between manufacturing outrage at the Washington D.C. establishment, Hollywood actors, elites, and the rich and wealthy," he explained. "I mean, take away the actors and that's our base!"

"Where's the sense in that?" he asked. "It's not right. Not right. You can't put us through all this. I mean, we should be getting overtime at least, right?"

The harsh conditions inspired the factory workers to explore organizing for purposes of collective bargaining with the Republicans.

Officials from the Republican Outrage manufacturing facility initially declined comment for this story, but later told Rodney "Hot Rod" Lincoln, "you fucking communist! We know who you are, and once we .... hey, is that a God Damned microphone?? You son of a bitch... [inaudible]..."

In the last several days, the McCain / Palin campaign have engineered new controversies, for which Republicans are, naturally, outraged. The lights at the Republican Outrage Factory have consistently remained illuminated.

The Tricky Trail Times sought to interview the original source of the story to see how the manufacturing of outrage over Barack Obama's comment about putting lipstick on a pig, which was made in reference to McCain's policies, and is a line commonly uttered by McCain himself, has affected working conditions. We learned, sadly, that the source had already died of exhaustion when we discovered his lifeless body lying next to John McCain's integrity in a shallow grave in the back of the factory property.

Nevertheless, from observations of the factory's shipping operations, it appears that the volume of outrage being manufactured by the plant has never been higher.

-- Rodney "Hot Rod" Lincoln, fake reporting for the Tricky Trail Times.

Outrage

I'm outraged at the outrage over outrage. It's all so.... what's the word? .... outrageous.