Matthew McConaughey: Kid Detective

Our good buddy Joey Kern wrote this with the help of the Funny or Die folks; it stars his nephew, Gus, and niece, Sunny Jo. Enjoy:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Radiohead's House of Cards

Look Ma, no camera:

In Radiohead's new video for "House of Cards", no cameras or lights were used. Instead, 3D plotting technologies collected information about the shapes and relative distances of objects. The video was created entirely with visualizations of that data.

Directed by James Frost
From the album IN RAINBOWS

The "making of ...." video:

Insomnia Reveals Hot Rod Lincoln's World View

Insomnia is a bitch. I blame John McCain, George Dubya Fucking Bush, the Republican Party, the Plastered Trollop, Mitch McConnell, and Rush Limbaugh. They are to blame for everything else, why not this?

The Hot Rod in happier, sleepier (read: drunker) times.

But I shouldn't be so negative. So before I get back to working my ass off to get to sleep, I offer an olive branch, and a kind thought to which you can wake in the morning:(I know what you're thinking, and no, that's not mine. Unfortunately.)

Note to Next Prez: Appoint Matt Harding to Lead Foreign Policy

Thanks to O'Shmeer for sending this my way. You can click the link to watch, or you can watch a smaller version via the video bar on the right (top video).

Nani thinks we need to invest in more pirate dancing than things like missile defense and airport security. Seriously, if airport security asked each passenger to do an impromptu jig, they could detect a person with sinister intentions pretty quickly - plus, everyone would get a laugh.

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."

Comedian George Dubya Bush at the G8 Conference

I'm at a total loss. Not even I could make up a story like this.

Goodbye to you, Dubya. January cannot get here soon enough.

John McCain, Liar (Continued)

Seriously, WTF?

How can John McCain attack Barack Obama over a vote McCain claims he cast on the floor of the senate and that he claims Obama didn't vote on....... when in fact, McCain didn't vote on it either??

Either John McCain is the senile, impotent 72-year-old he looks to be, or he is L-Y-I-N-G, lying.

I think it is the latter. Forget shame - John McCain, have you no soul?

Story here.

Jesse Jackson Supports Eunuch for President

Before appearing on Fox News for an interview and unaware that his mic was "hot," the good reverend, Jesse Jackson, quipped to another guest, "See, Barack been, um, talking down to black people on this faith based... I want to cut his nuts off... Barack... he's talking down to black people."

Obama smiles unsuspectingly as Jackson attempts castration last winter.

Jackson later publicly regretted his statement and made a claim which veered off-course and described his own nether-region, "My support for Senator Obama's campaign is as wide, deep and unequivocal as my own lathered hatchet wound... seriously, it's a drenched chasm down there."

Pete Rose, Kabbalah Master

Recently, two interesting reports have surfaced about Alex Rodriguez, the 32-year old Yankee slugger, and one-time baseball darling who would return baseball's home run title from the tainted taint that is Barry Bonds.

The stories have had little to do with baseball and more to do with the icons A-Rod's had dealings with off the diamond, and now baseball fans aren't so sure their last best hope for taking back what Bonds stole is such a righteous recipient.

The first story was actually kind of cute, taken out of context. It involved Alex Rodriguez, master of shredding the stat sheet (into more pieces than his life at the moment) during the season, but master of choking on more "sliders" in the postseason than a fabled Debbie once did in A-Rod's former baseball town of Dallas (okay, the Rangers play in Arlington, but who's counting?).

The story also involved Pete Rose, the banished Hit King who once ruled the diamond on both the levels of career statistics and world championships (why MLB's title taker is crowned "world" champ is beyond me - we never even play the European squads and I hear Lichtenstein has some mean hurlers).

Pete's mark in the latter category drew the interest of perpetual bridesmaid A-Rod, so much so, that the Yankee third baseman, to learn from the master the secret to winning a championship, ventured to a mall in Las Vegas where Pete now feeds himself by signing "Sorry I bet on baseball" for $299.ESPN's Tom Friend does a good job of describing the evolution of the relationship of A-Rod and Pete; or does he? Sure, the details regarding text messages between Mr. Ty-Cobb-Can-Suck-It and Mr. Post-Season No-Show are neat, at best, with Charlie Hustle telling A-Rod to "hit the ball hard somewhere" or "know the pitchers," but Friend fails to understand the deeper role of Rose in the life of A-Rod, clues of which reveal themselves in a more recent story about the Bronx boob.

Story number two involves a wannabe Jew who had the misfortune of being born Italian Catholic and named after a certain virgin mother of Jesus. "Madonna Ciccone," I imagine, makes it harder to convincingly say, "Hey, I'm a Jew," or "I'm fucking Matt Damon," than if she were named, say, "Sarah Silverman."

Either way, the cone-titted 49-year old pop has-been, whose most recent claim-to-fame was making out with freakshows Britney Spears and Dennis Rodman, is said to have "brainwashed" A-Rod in the ways of Kabbalah and even guided him to a Kabbalah master who has led A-Rod through a rite of passage known as "cleaning out the vessel" where the newbie gets rid of the old and brings in the new, according to a Fox Sports report.

In A-Rod's case, getting rid of the old appears to incorporate ditching his wife and 2 children, one of which is his baby daughter with whom the slugger has spent at least several quality minutes of fatherhood over the course of a few visits. Apparently A-Rod lost interest in the tike when she couldn't pitch batting practice to him in the hospital's neo-natal care facility. In reaction, Cynthia Rodriguez has fled with her children to Italy, to the home of rocker Lenny Kravitz, who is clearly an adulterer.

Several rabbis' names have been floated in reports and attributed to Madonna's kabbalah connections and her brainwashing of A-Rod, including Rabbi Michael Berg and Rabbi Eitan Yardeni.

However, one rabbi, despite the crack-journalism of Tom Friend, has remained unconnected to the A-Rod/C-Rod/Madonna controversy, despite his clear contact with the baseball star.

Rabbi Peter Edward Rose (born Rosenkrantz), who many would suspect to be a blue-collar church-goer (okay, maybe church is a stretch) from the Western Hills neighborhood in Cincinnati, was actually a Jew. In fact, Charlie Hustle's Jewishness is so far under the radar that even the most "right"-minded folks have discredited the notion, though not all, and he's even been left off the viral list of famous Jewish athletes.

Reached for comment by TTT, the Hit King exclaimed, "Bupkis, that's all this A-Rod connection has gotten me! Bupkis!"

Meanwhile, Marge Schott, with one cigarette in her hand and one in her mouth, rolled over in her grave, which also contained the bones of three dead St. Bernards.

Because I Can't Possibly Say It Enough....

And because someone else came up with a snazzy graphic:

The Pathological Copy/Paster

Well played, Segal, NYC Hacks, or long-lost pal of the Road Warrior, but your masquerade is revealed.
It's going to take some slick cornholing to get you out of this one. On July 8 of this year you said this, and on August 1, 2006, Mel Gibson said this:
More than a fraud, you are a pathological copy/paster and one who finds inspiration in perhaps the most diabolical copy/paster of them all, Mel Gibson, whose 2004 "The Passion of the Christ" was essentially copy/pasted verbatim from the Bible, or the New Testament, as we Gentiles call it.

Gibson's story of Jesus' crucifixion, much like your copy/pasting of his heartfelt apology above, was nothing short of an exact replica of how things went down in the Roman province. I believe it was in the Gospel of John, where the Sanhedrin are described to have rotting yellow teeth, a lack of oral hygiene which Gibson copy/pasted in much contrast to every other character in the film; in addition, it may have been in one of Paul's epistles that the angel of death was written to be traipsing about behind the Jews who called for Jesus' execution - Gibson basically Xeroxed the Good Book here.

Beyond copy/pasting from factual history, Gibson, himself like you, is not immune to copy/pasting from his contemporaries, or, in this case, a former contemporary. Just see these juxtaposed righteous beards:
Whatever the case, Segal, the jig is up, and, as penance for mocking the sincere efforts of Herr Gibson to make amends with Jewish community, bi-laws in the Tricky Trail Code call upon you to adopt the moniker that has found genesis through this purportedly-innocent mistake of posting to the "wrong blog."

From now on, you shall be called: The Pathological Copy/Paster, or something similar as you see fit.

Also note: the only word you didn't copy/paste, "blogosphere," you spelled incorrectly as "blogasphere." I Googled that misspelling and found some seriously dumb-ass blogs. Maybe you'd like to post at one of them. (Also, at first I thought you were talking about Conway Bangs' mom's famed site, big-ass-sphere.ru, but I was mistaken [Conway, read about your mom here])

I copy/paste Conway when I say,

"Stay Tricky"

Apology

There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who copy/pastes from his other blog. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the blogasphere community for this harmful act and for what I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.

I am a public person, and when I copy/paste or say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my actions carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by my actions.

Every human being is God’s child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not a copy/paster. I am not a bigot.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the blogasphere community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

Word to your mommy!

Oren Segal is a Fraud

As I suspected, his highly-anticipated first blog post is merely a copy/paste of an entry at his own, probably-more important, blog.

You are on notice, Mr. Segal; I may just call you at 3 a.m. to give you your walking papers like a certain former manager of the NY Mets.

Hannah’s Album Covers

Hannah has developed an interest in various genres of music. The following is a sampling of her album covers, which demonstrate her musical and emotional range. “I Want a Little Gluten Free Cereal in My Bowl” – Hannah covers Nina Simone“Never Silent All These Months” – Hannah covers Tori Amos“Elmo Minded” – Hannah covers Boogie Down Productions

Arkansas Chumps Get a Load of Brutus' Beef, No Cake

As I recall crying my eyes out for two hours straight while watching Borat in a crowded theater in 2006, I feel my eyes welling up again two years later.

It seems that Sasha Baron Cohen is back in the States again, this time filming "Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt."

Here's the flyer that duped Arkansas good ol' boys into witnessing acts they'd only previously seen after stumbling drunk into their town's version of the Blue Oyster Bar.

Amazingly, no deaths were reported - either by way of heart attack or by lynching.

For the Razorbacks, this would be worse than going to Wrestlemania and getting nothing but a bill incorporating Leaping Lanny (not Lenny) Poffo into each match.

Mahoney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow...

Today I take a break from political rants and David Lee Roth to post this:

A photographer's strobe gives a violet sheen to this translucent juvenile roundbelly cowfish off the coast of Kona, Hawaii. Also known as the transparent boxfish, the roundbelly cowfish has two short horns in front of its eyes. By Chris Newbert/Minden Pictures at National Geographic.

Pretty amazing stuff.

That's Kind of Like, You Know.... Fuzzy McMath

Here's a good response to all of those "Barack-Obama-Is-Going-To-Raise-Your-Taxes-Until-We-Are-All-Poor-And-Until-He-Personally-Ruins-Your-Life" arguments making the rounds on the internets.

To those sending and/or reading those viral email smears, I give you: John McCain, Liar.

Money Quote:

So far, I have argued as though I thought McCain was actually serious about balancing the budget. I was taking him at his word, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. But I do not see how it's possible to even begin to work through his various proposals and think that he is. I suspect that he doesn't fully understand many of his proposals, and so might well be unaware of exactly how big a hole he's planning to blow in the deficit, ad how unlikely it is that he will be able to plug it by the means he's specified. But I don't think that even he can actually believe that he can make up $695 billion by cutting earmarks and "reforming" Social Security.

And how have those Republican-manufactured budget deficits been working out for us lately, anyway?

As if it was ever in doubt, this is the clincher for me...

I like soccer. Actually that's an understatement. It defined much of my life, helped me make friends of all types, taught me how to be part of a team, and makes my cab rides through America's major cities more conversational, especially during EURO.

With that intro, I present this latest buzz footage from CNN:


I like that my parents took me all over middle America to play this game, and I love Saturdays with my family at soccer games; so seeing Barry and Michelle looking like regular folks is great. [I may add more to this later.]

A Study in "What, Me Worry?"

The Damage of Dubya

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

UPDATE: Here's a real Bush Wreckage Report for today.

Policy Post: On Torture.....

I'm on a roll today...

But this post isn't going to have a punchline.

Today in the news, we learned that the "enhanced interrogation" techniques of our county at Guantanamo Bay and other like places derive from a 1957 memo outlining the then-current practices of the Communist Chinese government to coerce false confessions. The operative word there is, of course, "false," because the classic "ends-justify-the-means" morality of Republicans living in their own personal "24" fantasy world has been that we need to torture, -er, to use "enhanced interrogation" techniques, to get actionable intelligence to keep the United States safe from further terrorist attacks.

This blog post, sums it up well:

Is it not a rather fantastic historical irony that the torture techniques that the North Vietnamese used against McCain that forced him to offer a videotaped false confession ... are now the techniques the Bush administration is using to gain "intelligence" about terror networks.

How is it possible to know that everything John McCain once said on videotape for the enemy was false, because it was coerced, and yet assert that everything we torture out of terror suspects using exactly the same techniques, is true? In fact, McCain at least knew somewhere that his own government knew he existed, that there were procedures to eventually release him, that he was on someone's radar. The average prisoner at Gitmo or in the other parts of the detention program believes that no one will ever save him, that he could be disappeared for ever, that there are no procedures for his eventual release and no government to remember him. If McCain uttered lies on tape to stop the torture, why would an Islamist tell the truth?

Nothing more accurately exposes the classic moral error of the Bush administration and its enablers in war crimes. If the enemy tortures, it defines their moral evil and all intelligence gleaned from such coercion is self-evidently false propaganda. If we do it, it isn't wrong, and it leads to good intelligence.

Got that? And these people have the gall to describe their ideological opponents as moral relativists.