Player to Be Named in Dunn Trade Includes Rob Lowe

According to a reliable source, the Cincinnati Reds will acquire Micah Owings, seen left with an obvious implied commitment to write for the TTT, from the Arizona Diamondbacks after the season is over. They would have picked him up sooner, but Reds' good friend and recent Latin scouting embezzler Jim Bowden decided to block the waiver transfer - he was able to do this because his team, the Nationals, where Reds go to die, sucks worse than the Reds themselves. It is also rumored that Owings ' transfer is being held up because he is injured.

The other player thought to be in the deal is Rob Lowe, the sex-crazed Hollywood Hunk who is currently battling sex charges filed by a former "nanny."

TTT caught up with Lowe, who stated, "It is an honor to be mentioned in the same sentence with the Big Donkey. I mean, what I could do with donkey dongs like his! This b*tch nanny wouldn't be alive today if I'd had the "talent" and raw-dog power of Adam Dunn - that boy is country strong!

Any Reds fans wanting to get a leg up on their peers in terms of Reds memorabilia might want to check out the auction of a Rob Lowe-autographed print of the new acquisition in his new uni.

Lowe is expected to be a Ball Boy.

A Big Donkey, a Dallas Buck and two PTBNLs

Adam “Big Donkey” Dunn was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks today for Dallas Buck and two “players to be named later.” The people of Cincinnati, who have been exposed 270 big donkey dongs over the past eight years are not sure on how to take the news. Here is a break down of peoples’ reactions:

Rednecks – Extremely pissed off. Why? Number 44 “Git-R-Dunn” jerseys are no longer in style (they were in style?).

Perverts – Indifferent. Why? Don’t get them wrong, they loved admiring the donkey dongs; however, with Dallas Buck mustache day (a la Arroyo hair/hat day) they will be able to attend at least one game without looking extremely creepy.

People who admire good baseball – Very happy. Why? They no longer have to put up with the pointless HRs, the poor fielding, the .232 batting average, and the overall “donkey-ness.”

Cincinnati Zoo Donkeys – Grateful. Why? They like the attention Dunn brought to their kind, but they pale in comparison to his 500 foot dongs.

At the end of the day the Big Donkey and his dongs will be missed in the ‘Nati. There are now large, gaping holes left all over Cincinnati baseball, holes that were previous pleased by huge Donkey Dongs, most notably, the now-empty, echoing orifice of a certain sub-Mendoza, 5’7”, 135-lb centerfielder - his only contribution to the team.

You want the truth, Adam Dunn? You can't handle the truth!

JP Ricciardi, the GM for your Toronto Blue Jays (why are they yours? I don't know, maybe you're from Canada or something) recently was forced to apologize for some rather candid remarks about everyone's favorite Cincinnati Red Adam Dunn (actually, that is probably not true. I think Jay Bruce is the favorite Red at this point. Or Corey Patterson, everyone loves him.) Here are Ricciardi's remarks about Dunn, who in the picture to the left is reacting to taking a called 3rd strike for about the 99th time this season:

“Do you know the guy doesn’t really like baseball that much?” Ricciardi said to the caller. “Do you know the guy doesn’t have a passion to play the game that much? How much do you know about the player? “There’s a reason why you’re attracted to some players and there’s a reason why you’re not attracted to some players. I don’t think you’d be very happy if we brought Adam Dunn here … “We’ve done our homework on guys like Adam Dunn and there’s a reason why we don’t want Adam Dunn. I don’t want to get into specifics.”Ricciardi was generally sympathetic as callers vented following the Jays 5-4 loss to Milwaukee. But Ricciardi’s demeanour changed when a caller mentioned Dunn as a hitter who might “save” the Jays’ moribund offence.“He’s a lifetime .230, .240 hitter that strikes out a ton and hits home runs,” Ricciardi said.

So, what exactly does JP need to apologize for? Let's get the easiest ones out of the way first, and that is the stats at the end. Dunn's career average year is .247, which is about what JP said, his average per year strikeouts is 181, which equals a ton, and he averages 40 home runs, which is a lot of home runs, but most of those are in the home run factory known as the Great American Ballpark.

Now, the harder stuff. Doesn't like baseball/Doesn't have a passion to play. Now, because I am not a mind reader or know Dunn personally, I don't have real insight here. However, I can make a guess based on a few things:

1. His inability to get in shape


2. His inability to improve his fielding


3. His inability to play one game in left field without some sort of defensive lapse (note: this is limited to the number of Reds games I have seen which, while quite a bit, is not every one. So, there is a chance that in the games I don't see he is Willie Mays out there, but I doubt it)

The truth is that Dunn, based on his numbers so far, is comparable to such noted All-Stars as Rob Deer, Pete Incaviglia, Glenallen Hill, and Henry Rodriguez. It is fair to say that Dunn kinda sucks and that any team trading for him and expecting an offensive savior would be disappointed. So, JP was correct.

Was there ever a real point to any of this? Probably not, but I think Dunn is terrible.