Meet the "New Kids," Same As The Old Kids

I damn near spit Coke Zero all over my computer when I read this story about the New Kids on the Block (yes, those New Kids on the Block) reuniting.

I know that "Blockheads" everywhere will cheer the return of the Five Stooges (Pictured, L to R: Larry, Curley ,Shemp, Vanessa, and Squirrel Boy), but for Christ's sake, these assholes are rapidly closing in on 40! 40, I said!

How are they going to deal with that whole issue of making teenage girls swoon being a felony now? And I just love this desciption from Wikipedia about the events leading up to the New Kids' 1993 "swan song":

Faced with the constant derision of people outside their teen market and the
maturation of that base, the fact that they themselves were no longer
teenagers, and that the type of music that had once made them famous had
faded from the lexicon, the group split off from Maurice Starr and signed
with Columbia Records.

Because of course, fifteen years down the road, those issues are going to magically disappear.

Ken Griffey Jr. to Repair U.S. Foreign Relations

Baseball's Ken Griffey Jr. was recently admitted to the White House to meet Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to discuss his intention to be "special ambassador to promote baseball and other interests in foreign lands," after he swore he would vote for John McCain in November.


Bush is dumbstruck by the girth of the black wood

Griffey will primarily travel to other countries to promote the game of baseball, specifically Tom Emanski's baseball videos, to untapped markets, markets ripe for growth, namely "human growth hormone."

Among the "other interests" of the U.S. Government for which Junior Griffey will be responsible are repairing 4 years of damage caused by the Bush administration's misguided war in Iraq, the blind-eyed approach to Darfur, and other chronic diplomatic gaffs that, Rice told Griffey, remind the President of a "sports bloopers" video he watched a lot before he met Laura.

During the meeting it was detailed how the occasionally-slugging right fielder for the Cincinnati Reds would leverage his legacy of delivering near-.500 baseball to people of Cincinnati upon the people of places like the Philippines, where Griffey's cunning for success is sure to inspire a people who lead the world in selling their kidneys on the black market.

Moreover, Griffey is a logical choice for the Bush regime as he'll be able to lend key inspiration to poor workers subjected to sweat shops where perks include being allowed to pee in a hole. Countless tales of workers' compensation gained for injuries suffered by "The Kid" while on the job will surely spark a popular call to action for the world's suffering. Griffey related, "Third World? Heck, I was rounding third base when I blew my hamstring a few years ago - I think they'll relate to me."

Having exhausted U.S. Special Forces efforts in the volatile region, Rice also suggested that Griffey be open to traveling to the mountainous border between Pakistan and Afghanistan where plans are underway to win the hearts and minds of al-Qaida camps and their allies, the Taliban. Griffey came out of the meeting unclear with what Rice meant by "Operation Suicide Squeeze," but he said he'd do whatever he could to serve his country.

Griffey was also under consideration for secret operations while abroad, but officials said they were likely revoking the offer after Junior drew explicit details to a MLB.com reporter about the logistics surrounding his meeting with Rice. "Nobody walked in or out without somebody following them. You see about 40 people with guns."

"Loose lips sink ships," Griffey was reportedly told while in a White House restroom by a foreign-relations committee member, who had also been keen to note Griff's wide stance a the urinal. "Damn, I really blew that assignment," a dismayed Griffey lamented.

In the final year of a multi-million dollar contract with the soon-to-be irrelevant Reds, Griffey could theoretically be traded mid-season to a playoff-bound team, or perhaps retiring early to his presidential post abroad.

No matter the case, while Griffey has pledged to embark soon on his diplomatic journey, Reds team physician Dr. Timothy Kremchek said it is too soon to tell if Griffey's hamstring will allow him to travel.
Ian Jo Antcocks reporting for The Tricky Trail Times

Will you accept this blog?

A few weeks ago 25 girls set out to win the heart of the new British Bachelor; 24 of which will have their heart's broken by a man they have known for less than 2 weeks in a superficial environment. Why do I love this show?
Everyone has their favorites when it comes to reality TV (unless you hate it, which makes you dead to me). Mine is the one whose key demographic is women 20-40. For a 27 year old male, that can be embarrassing. As I begin my journey to hopefully becoming the resident Tricky Trail Times primetime (I rarely stoop to the level of VH1 or MTV, except for The Hills) reality TV analyst, I will start with what I know best.....The Bachelor. Check back for an in depth analysis of the last two seasons of the Bachelor and my Bachelor Fantasy league.

Skinhead Assassination

A contributor to this blog is late signing up, so his most vulnerable moment will be aired for all to see. Enjoy.

Animals Are Best Viewed On The Internet

Looks cute. At least until you consider how bad the fucker smells.

Photo by: Chris Jackson/Getty Images. I saw it here.

An Inconvenient Truth .... About David Lee Roth, Vol. 1

Whoa-oa-oa, hey you!
Who said that?
Baby, how you been?
You say you don't know-ow-ow
Won't know until it begins.

- Lyrics from Jump, off of Van Halen's 1984.

As a contributor to this blog, The Tricky Trail Times (or, "Hey it's a name until we think of somethng cooler than a six-year-old's game"), I will periodically explore one of the more complex, compelling, and yet somehow grossly misunderstood figures in pop culture history:

David Lee Roth

During Van Halen's heyday, Rolling Stone described David Lee Roth as, "the most obnoxious singer in human history, an achievement notable in the face of long tradition and heavy competition." Wikipedia similarly blasphemes with this remark: "[Roth's] often humorous and campy lyrics, were integral to Van Halen's sound."

To this I say: bullshit!

To understand David Lee Roth, the man, the philosopher, the embodiment of a generation's social consciousness, one must understand the incisive wisdom lain bare in his poetic lyrics. Moving forward, I plan to illuminate this wisdom. Stay tuned ...

You Wish You Were Him Vol I

In today's edition of You Wish You Were Him I present to you a sweet performance of She's A Lady, by the one, the only Mr. Tom Jones.

From 1974, back when pants were huge and jacket tossing was a way to let everyone know that you have no more need for that jacket.

It's moves like this that really make me say, "I wish I were him."

LATER JACKET, IT'S TIME TO GROOOOOVE!!!!!

Explaining the "Tricky Trail"

The other day I played a game called "The Tricky Trail," the improvisation of a bored 6-year old trying to fill her day. A suburban sidewalk chalked with numbers marked spots where the Tricky Trail traveler might look for hidden treasures under bushes, in trees, or in holes dug by dogs - but beware, the trail can be treacherous - actually not really. The Tricky Trail, by sheer coincidence of being invented by the mind of a child just days ago, becomes the name of this blog.


During some tricky trials on the trail, I've made some friends. Hopefully they'll not tarry in joining in soon. Until then, I'm going to go for a sprint on the beach. Happy trails...

Nani J. Cootsack