Monday, March 31, 2008

Ken Griffey Jr. to Repair U.S. Foreign Relations

Baseball's Ken Griffey Jr. was recently admitted to the White House to meet Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to discuss his intention to be "special ambassador to promote baseball and other interests in foreign lands," after he swore he would vote for John McCain in November.


Bush is dumbstruck by the girth of the black wood

Griffey will primarily travel to other countries to promote the game of baseball, specifically Tom Emanski's baseball videos, to untapped markets, markets ripe for growth, namely "human growth hormone."

Among the "other interests" of the U.S. Government for which Junior Griffey will be responsible are repairing 4 years of damage caused by the Bush administration's misguided war in Iraq, the blind-eyed approach to Darfur, and other chronic diplomatic gaffs that, Rice told Griffey, remind the President of a "sports bloopers" video he watched a lot before he met Laura.

During the meeting it was detailed how the occasionally-slugging right fielder for the Cincinnati Reds would leverage his legacy of delivering near-.500 baseball to people of Cincinnati upon the people of places like the Philippines, where Griffey's cunning for success is sure to inspire a people who lead the world in selling their kidneys on the black market.

Moreover, Griffey is a logical choice for the Bush regime as he'll be able to lend key inspiration to poor workers subjected to sweat shops where perks include being allowed to pee in a hole. Countless tales of workers' compensation gained for injuries suffered by "The Kid" while on the job will surely spark a popular call to action for the world's suffering. Griffey related, "Third World? Heck, I was rounding third base when I blew my hamstring a few years ago - I think they'll relate to me."

Having exhausted U.S. Special Forces efforts in the volatile region, Rice also suggested that Griffey be open to traveling to the mountainous border between Pakistan and Afghanistan where plans are underway to win the hearts and minds of al-Qaida camps and their allies, the Taliban. Griffey came out of the meeting unclear with what Rice meant by "Operation Suicide Squeeze," but he said he'd do whatever he could to serve his country.

Griffey was also under consideration for secret operations while abroad, but officials said they were likely revoking the offer after Junior drew explicit details to a MLB.com reporter about the logistics surrounding his meeting with Rice. "Nobody walked in or out without somebody following them. You see about 40 people with guns."

"Loose lips sink ships," Griffey was reportedly told while in a White House restroom by a foreign-relations committee member, who had also been keen to note Griff's wide stance a the urinal. "Damn, I really blew that assignment," a dismayed Griffey lamented.

In the final year of a multi-million dollar contract with the soon-to-be irrelevant Reds, Griffey could theoretically be traded mid-season to a playoff-bound team, or perhaps retiring early to his presidential post abroad.

No matter the case, while Griffey has pledged to embark soon on his diplomatic journey, Reds team physician Dr. Timothy Kremchek said it is too soon to tell if Griffey's hamstring will allow him to travel.
Ian Jo Antcocks reporting for The Tricky Trail Times

1 comment:

Jake Dude said...

Somewhere ... and to be clear, I don't know precisely where ... there's a much better joke to use with that picture.