Saturday, February 14, 2009

Jerry Jones looking for new Center (of attention)

DALLAS, TX - Just when Dallas Cowboys fans thought next season's prospects couldn't get any brighter (see: new Texas Stadium's pork-laden $1B budget, the waiving of PacMan "I make it rain" Jones, Terrell Owens MVP in the NBA Celebrity Basketball game and Tony Romo's incredible 0-2 playoff record and collapsing shower routine), it looks as though things are really starting to look up for the 2009 season.

From the platform of his oil rig in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, Cowboys Owner/GM/CEO/CFO/Partner/Offensive Coordinator/Counselor Jerry Jones said today in a press conference that Tony Romo's country crooning girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, will now be vying for the recently vacated center position on the Cowboys offensive line. Jones explained, "Jessica has been an integral part in our team's success the last few seasons. She and Tony have really worked hard on drawing up new plays in the sand on their trips to Mexico and the Caribbean during the season. Contrary to media reports (and Terrell Owens assertion), Tony and Jason Witten did not meet secretly to draw up new dynamic plays; it was always Tony and Jessica." Jones continued, "There's no question Mrs. Simpson was instrumental in helping lead us to our third place finish in the NFC East. We would have clearly been a 4-12 or 5-11 team, at best, without her."

While Jessica Simpson doesn't technically have any football background, she has been preparing for the rigors of the offensive line diligently, as evidenced by her new frame. Speaking recently after opening for Billy Ray Cyrus in Nashville, from the Gaylord Entertainment Center, "Tony and I go to Cici's Pizza before and after all my shows. Endless pizza buffet and gooey cinnamon rolls are part of our strategery. We feel if I am to get to 300lbs by training camp, I need to get serious and start eating right." Starting Cowboy QB and boyfriend Tony Romo, feels she's just what the Cowboys need, "Jess was held back by that swishy 'Boys 2 Men' Cincinnati-guy (Nick Lachey) all those years and now I have enabled her to flourish, adding 50lbs of pure fat in a mere two months." Romo added, "People don't realize I am from Wisconsin originally and I like my women with more meat on their bones. Who wants a bulimic, model of a girlfriend? Nuh-uh. Not me."

Jessica says she can't wait to start working out, training and EVEN showering with the Cowboys. Laughing hysterically Simpson said, "I think T.O. is definitely the most well-hung Cowboy. I mean, look at his hands for God's sake. They look like catchers mitts. Sorry Dad, you still have the biggest white penis I've ever seen though... err... oops."

And while Romo is eager for his bucksome blonde to hit the field, he warned that , "No other guy's going to be taking snaps from Jessica. Brad Johnson's already been saying he's going to rub a soft erection against her. Mr. Jones has already promised me that won't happen." Cowboys coach Wade Phillips was unavailable for comment for this story, apparently vacationing with his secretary in the beautiful south of Texas.

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