Monday, May 19, 2008

Bengals Redefine Hiring Policy to Exclude Impact Players, Negative or Otherwise

The May 19th release of Odell Thurman by the Cincinnati Bengals indicates a clear directional change by the team to revert to its hiring standards of the 1990s squads that included exceptional high school athletes like David Klingler, Ki-Jana Carter, and Jeff Query (and his mullet).

The Bengals stated in 2007, after a slew of their players had run-ins with the law, that they would target future personnel who would not have a negative impact on the team.

With the release of Thurman, who led the team in tackles and created all sorts of havoc for opposing offenses before his 2-year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy, the Bengals are signaling abandonment of any player who might have any impact on the team, negative or otherwise.

Mike Brown stated, "the Bengals organization cannot risk future embarrassment at the hands of its players criminality, so moving forward we will be looking to sign guys like David Klingler and Eric 'Sleeping with' Bienemy. A player with the talent of a wrecking maching like Odell Thurman will have no place at Paul Brown Stadium."

"For any young player out there," Brown expounded, "with aspirations of going to mass on Sunday before kick-off, volunteering at the soup kitchen on off days, and generally letting football take a back seat in terms of satisfying the fans, then we are your team."

Meanwhile, Roger Goodell has formed a committee to look into whether or not the Bengals management has fulfilled the NFL's Fan Abuse Policy enough times to reach their quota as defined by the Collective Fan-Bludgeoning Agreement of 1991 - an act signed and ratified only by the Bengals and Arizona Cardinals.

League sources believe that the Bengals management need to abuse their fans at least a handful of times still in 2008 to reach the incentives as defined by the policy.

Nani J. Cootsack reporting for Tricky Trail Sports

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