Friday, May 2, 2008

The Stretch Report (#1)

=> It was recently reported that seven-time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, was secretly dating Ashley Olsen -- of 'Full House' fame. Normally a high-five would be reserved for this type of romance. Heck, it's a 36 year-old dating a 21 year-old. But, this one falls more on the "Woody Allen Creepy Scale." Ashley is probably better known more recently rather, for binging and purging -- or maybe that's her sister -- than her acting. By the way, aren't Mary-Kate and Ashley the same person?

Lance Armstrong's bio --

=> This week the lovable (er... loathable), bottom-lip quivering, Brooke White, was kicked off American Idol. Can I get a collective "Thank God"? Brooke has never seen a Rated-R movie. Nor has she had sex with her husband (I am guessing on that one). She is as pure as the midnight snow. And golly, she's a Mormon. And we all know Mormonism is as close to God as you can get without actually pitching a tent in Heaven. Every time Brooke talked on AI, I wanted to puke. I found some really cool stuff about Mormonism though. Here's an excerpt:

"When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. And just in case you're thinking about masturbating, don't do it."

Very well said, indeed. For the full transcript on how to stop masturbating, click here --

=> If you like baseball, then you'll love this link -- This guy imitates every unique batting stance of the 1980s (and beyond). I mean, they're dead fucking on. I know we have lots of Reds fans among our 6 readers, so be sure to check out Pete Rose at 2:25 and Joe Morgan at 2:40 (love the arm pumps).

- Stretch, Mark

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