Area Man Shocked to Learn He'll Spend Ten Days of His Life Untangling Earbuds

Rabbit Hash, Ky. -- A local man is reeling after sitting down, doing the math, and estimating that he will spend 10.4 days over the course of his life untangling the earbuds that connect to his personal music player, that is, if the white thingamajigs don't strangle him first.

Nani J. Cootsack, while dismayed at the loss of this precious time, restored his spirit by rationalizing that by dismantling the wiry snafus for approximately 1 minute of each day for the next 50 years, he would also sharpen his mind tremendously.

Defenseless "End" [Alternate Headline: Please, Do Call Me "Shirley"]

According to Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis' latest interview with C. Trent Rosecrans, Bengals' defensive lineman Jason Shirley may have a rather enormous anus:

"Fifth round was (Jason) Shirley, not as much as we’d hoped to get but I think he now understands what NFL football is...;" "...Mike Zimmer and Jay climbed up his butt every day, every week. He understands what’s ahead for him and he’s got to have a great off-season. Maybe we hit a home run there. That would be big."

Damn, that would be "big," Marvin, especially with with Zimmer and the Jay fellow making it all the way to home with Shirley, "every day, every week." I mean, that's more than a homerun, that's like the homerun title. Henceforth, I might describe Shirley, who wears a face-shield to hide embarrassing grimaces from Coach Zimmer's training techniques, as, say, cavernous.

Shirley, right, is seen adjusting his pants after "Jay" had just showed him a "stunt."

Good Neighbor

My neighbor across the street is renovating his house.

The Mayor Steps Down

I've been away from the blog too long as I have been readying myself for the oncoming apocolypse that my fellow Kentuckians assure me is coming now that we've elected Barack Obama as PUSA. I peaked out from the bomb shelter long enough to hear the news that Sean Casey, the Mayor, has retired from baseball.

When I look back on my friendship with Nani, one of the discussions I remember us having is Sean Casey v. Mark Grace. It infuriated him to no end that I would call Casey a "poor man's Mark Grace". In actuality, they were about the same. Although Grace was a much better glove man. Just go to this awesome baseball site and you will notice that neither hit for average or drove in a lot of RBIs. They both were .300 batters who stretched a lot of triples into doubles and doubles into singles. Nothing that great, but better than average.

What each had going for them was a big personality that made them valuable in the clubhouse and popular in the stands. Baseball is a game where the past is just as important as the present and these two guys were the type of players that could be appreciated by fans of all ages.

So, farewell Mayor. Good luck in your new job at the MLB Network where you can swap stories about the old days with fellow Red Barry Larkin.

I expect Nani to begin the "Sean Casey for the Hall of Fame" blog any day now. That is unless President Obama has shut down the Hall of Fame because he hates America. That could really happen. Rush told me so!

The Best Case for Why Our Fantasy Football League Should Have Been Named, "Marvin Harrison's Rifle Brigade."

This passage from this article:

When police paid a follow-up visit to Chuckie's, they found Harrison sitting in a beach chair near a cardboard cutout of himself in a Colts uniform. They asked if there were any guns on the premises, and to their surprise Harrison lifted the leg of his jeans to reveal a registered .22-caliber handgun strapped to his ankle. Soon after, a man whom Harrison called his stepfather handed over the Belgian pistol, fully loaded.

While the calm raising of the leg of his jeans to reveal his piece certainly captures the cool, gangsta factor, what really gets me is that Harrison pulls off this "Joe Cool" routine while sitting in a beach chair next to a cardboard cut out of himself in uniform. How surreal is that?

Ask any cop when was the last time he approached a suspect for questioning only to find the suspect relaxing next to a lifesized, cardboard-backed picture of himself. My guess: not anytime in the recent past.

Proud to Be an American? (updated w/ comments)

Now I know I live in Kentucky, but for some reason I thought I was far enough North, apparently not.

While walking out to my car yesterday I noticed my next door neighbor's flag was upside down. It was a bit windy, so I just chalked it up to that. When I came home later I took a second look from inside my house and was shocked to see that it was actually hung that way.

My neighbor is an older man, probably in his late 60's or early 70's and I am fully aware that we have opposing political beliefs. I was unaware just how different they were until yesterday when I caught him in the back yard taking out his trash.

Here's a brief recap of the conversation...

me: "So, what's with that?"
him: "What's with what?"
me: "Your flag."
him: "I guess you're not a Jarhead."
me: "Uh, nope, more of a Deadhead."
him: "We're in distress."
me: "Over what?"
him: "Come January 22nd he's going to send us all down the river."
me: "Really?"
him: "Yeah, and you know something else he's not a real nigger. He was born in Kenya."
me: "How would he get this far if he wasn't an American citizen?"
him: "Where was he five years ago? I'll tell you where... selling insurance."
me: "I did not know that. Well, it's the Lord's day we probably shouldn't be discussing politics anyways."
him: "It's only the Lord's day from 8am till noon."
me: "When it comes down to it though we're all still on the same team."
him: (undiscernible grumbling)
me: "It's cold, I'm going in."

So there you have it. The eve of the inauguration of the first black president just so happens to coincide with MLK day. As many of us begin to look forward to a future full of hope and innovation, some still can't get out of the past. I can only pray that as we turn this corner, the end of ignorance and racism will draw nearer. The last loud groan from the last of the dinosaurs as he crashes to the earth.

I'll never be able to change my neighbor's mind and don't plan on trying. There's a lot of work to be done over the next four years. I'll be busy, as many of us will, working toward uniting not only our country, but the world in one common goal, creating a better tomorrow for those that come after us.

History is happening right in front of your eyes. Now is the time to stand together and take part.

God bless America!

...................................
comments

"that is redick....i live in So dak and some of the shit you hear people say is just so juvenile and redneck"

"People like that are just scum of the earth. Seriously, his issues are far beyond political. You almost have to feel sorry for somebody that has such a miserable life that they spew that crap and actually believe it. Ignorance is bliss I suppose."

"i use to stick edge my neighbors house across the street because it looked like shit and he did not have the means to do it. he always thanked me and waved when whenever he would see me outside. after i posted an obama sign in my yard during the election he stopped talking and waving."

"Probs the same type of asshole that would call me unpatriotic because I didn't support bush or the war. Wow."

"i know wayyyy too many people who feel the same way."

"The "uber patriotic" religious/militant racist is a really strange archetype. I mean everyone's a hypocrite but how do these folks look themselves in the mirror daily without realizing how contradictory their entire belief system is?"

"omg...this saddens me to no end.
Compassion is a word that came far too late to the english/american lexicon."

"this country has come along way since MLK but still has a long way to go."

"What ever happened to 'love it or leave it'?
I guess that doesn't apply here."

"You should of just told him to support Obama's white half."

John Oates died for our sins? I always thought it had been Chris Sabo

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space mountain or Detroit airport?

To Honor the 54-point performance last night by Jodie Meeks...

I give you another incredible performance by a 'Cat of yesteryear: Kenny "Sky" Walker vs. a Horse

Perfect Economic Analysis of TJ Maxx Provided by The Onion

The Onion spits out a classic on TJ Maxx:

Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession

January 12, 2009 | Issue 45•03

T.J. Maxx's semi-annual or going-out-of-business sale.

CHICAGO—While a majority of the nation's top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if discount clothing store T.J. Maxx has been affected by widespread recession.

Financial analysts, observing more than 100 locations nationwide, cited large quantities of off-brand and wildly scattered merchandise as evidence that T.J. Maxx has either been devastated by the economic downturn, or is carrying on as usual in spite of it.

"The state of this store does not in any way correspond to our standard criteria for judging long-term viability," said economist Graham Stinson, referring to Chicago's Fullerton Avenue branch, where more than half of the fluorescent lights are burnt out. "For instance, the canvas bins heaped with broken stemware in aisle six may be a sign that T.J. Maxx is on the verge of complete bankruptcy. Either that, or it's doing perfectly fine. It's impossible to say which."

Further evidence of T.J. Maxx's imminent foreclosure or, possibly, its wholly unaffected condition, included reports of shoppers rummaging through barrels of lamps up to their shoulders, multiple sightings of bras stuffed into children's shoes, the impromptu sale of in-store display cases for cash, and an excess of golf-based giftware.

Although economists were able to make firsthand observations of customers rifling through overturned clothing racks, their requests to analyze the company's financial records were met with confusion. Stinson and his team were eventually provided with a water-stained folder of handwritten receipts, but failed to make use of most of the data due to its ripped, soiled, and often indecipherable state.

Compiled interviews with customers also provided little insight. Many reported seeing "Cash Only, No Refunds" signs posted in every store and recalled having to climb over sacks of winter coats to reach clearance bins of mix-and-match earrings, leading economists to believe that the discount chain may be suffering after all.

"They must be doing really badly if they're selling this crap really cheap," said Lake Forest, IL resident Brian Crowe, carrying an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers to his car. "You've got to take advantage before this place shuts its doors for good."

Others, however, see T.J. Maxx poised to have a very lucrative year in 2009.

"That place must be doing pretty well," frequent customer Mark Rankin said. "I just saw some guy walking around with an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers."

With only one checkout lane remaining in most stores, some financial experts speculate that the retailer can no longer afford to employ workers. A two-week study of a Cleveland-area location did, however, turn up some minor evidence of a workforce, including the sighting of three folded shirts and a number of individuals smoking and playing Uno in the break room.

"Our analysis of T.J. Maxx's workforce was inconclusive, as we were never totally sure anyone was actually employed there," economist Libby Archer said. "Although, I suppose the lack of a distinct uniform could be a sign that they're doing well enough to move to a more upscale, boutique-type image for the store. That woman I saw drop a load of 20 sweaters onto a table of hats might have been the lead salesgirl."

"She did tell me to get the fuck out of her way," Archer added.

Economists were, however, able to locate a single store manager after months of searching. James Boucher, who runs the domestic department of the Smyrna, GA location, was found weeping in the middle of a sock aisle and was unable to comment on the store's current financial status—a sign that may suggest the overall mood at T.J. Maxx is more dire than previously thought.

"Oh, Jim is crying all the time," said possible coworker Anita Rouse. "He's been breaking down in tears once a day since he started here nine years ago."

the future of car audio

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MMJ NYE MSG

Looking for something to listen to while you sit there and pretend to work?
Enjoy this spectacular performance from MMJ. They really brought the heat for NYE with some awesome covers, special guests and the usual live ferocity.





My Morning Jacket 12-31-08 Madison Square Garden NY, NY

“Move on Up”
“Evil Urges”
“Off the Record”
“Gideon”
“The Way That He Sings”
“Thank You Too”
“I’m Amazed”
“Golden”
“Librarian”
“You’re All I Need To Get By”
“Express Yourself”
“What a Wonderful Man”
“Lay Low”
“Phone Went West”
“Look At You”
“Dondante”
“Smokin’ From Shootin’”
“Touch Me I’m Going To Scream, Pt. 2”
“Run Thru”
“The Wanderer”
“Dancefloors”
“Mahgeetah”

(set break)

“Celebration”
“Get Down on it”
“Wordless Chorus”
“Highly Suspicious”
“COBRA”
“Islands in the Stream”
“Bring It on Home To Me”
“Cold Sweat”
“Anytime”
“One Big Holiday”