An Inconvenient Truth .... About David Lee Roth, Vol. 3

What will DLR pull out of there this time?

In the latest installment of this series, we will explore the pre-cognative abilities of David Lee Roth. Unbeknownst to most, David Lee Roth was one of the most forward-thinking, and predictive, heavy metal lyricists of all time.

For example, observe how in 1979, DLR aptly predicted the health care crisis that has been a focal point of the 2008 election:

You better call me a doctor.
Feelin' no pain.
Overloaded, down the drain.
Somebody get me a doctor.
You better call up the ambulance, I'm deep in shock.
Overloaded, baby, I can hardly walk.
Somebody get me a doctor.
Somebody get me a doctor.
Feelin' over fine.
And I'm speedin' down that line.
Somebody get me a shot.

"Somebody Get Me A Doctor" From Van Halen II

How many of those without health insurance have uttered - more or less - those exact same words?

Just as impressive is David Lee Roth's own revealing prediction of his future incontinence, cleverly disguised in the song "Loss of Control":

Baby, I checked it out. I think you ought to know.
I'm only wastin' time. I think I'd better go.
You way too civilized. Oh,
loss of control, loss of control, loss of control!

From Women and Children First

Unfortunately, sometimes the Van Halen brothers, as they were apt to do, tried to upstage Diamond Dave. This prediction they made, of course, didn't quite bear out in real life:

And this teaches us an important lesson: leave predictions of the future to the experts, like David Lee Roth.

More of the Plastered Trollop's Blatant Hypocracy

When we last tuned in, I was slamming the Plastered Trollop, Cindy McCain, for taking a pot shot at Michelle Obama over the latter's comment about being "proud" of her country for the first time in her adult life.

The Plastered Trollop, if you recall, sprinted past Laura Bush (who did the classy thing and defended the comment) to jab the shank into Michelle Obama's back, saying, "well, I've always been proud of my country."

Maybe that makes you better than Michelle Obama, Plastered Trollop. Maybe not. Certainly the fact that you stole prescription drugs from a third-world charity to feed your painkiller addiction makes it substantially less likely that you can one-up the Michelle Obama, who has a lot more on her resume than merely being the heir to a beer distributorship fortune.

But if it does - and that's a big motherfucking "if" - then it likewise makes you better than that sniveling, flip-flopping, pathetic piece of shit husband of yours, John McSame. Here's what the 5'6" presumptive Republican presidential nominee said on the friendly turf of the Sean Hannity show:

HANNITY: You spent two years of this five-and-a-half-year period in solitary confinement. What does that do to a person, to spend that much time in solitary confinement?

MCCAIN: I think it makes you a better person. Obviously, it makes you love America. I really didn't love America until I was deprived of her company.

And of course, there's also Flipper McCain's admission that it can be "tough" to be proud of America.

Cindy, I only say this because I care: Do. Not. Neglect. Hygiene. It is important that you clean Michelle Obama's blood off of that shank before you jam it into John's back.

Or would an ounce of principled consistency be too much to ask?

If Cincinnati Reds Were Current and Former Bush Cabinet Members

Our blog is now one of the TOP SITES in America for info on the Reds, Barack Obama, and David Lee Roth. This post will be hitting at least two of them, and maybe three. Depends on how much I drink between the beginning and the end of this post.

So, when it comes to classic FAIL, no one in the history of the world equals the accomplishments of the current White House resident. George W. Bush is, according to the Guinness Book of World Records (which has nothing to do with the beer), the worst President in the history of the world. Actually, that "fact" may not be true, but admit it, you're too lazy to check it. Anyway, looking at the last place Reds made me wonder what these two underachieving groups could have in common.

Dusty Baker = Karl Rove

1. Perception versus Reality. According to most of the people whose job it is to cover and write about them, these two men are geniuses. This is despite the fact that Dusty Baker ruined the careers of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, is openly mocked for several of his views, and was run out of town in Chicago. This is also despite the fact that Karl Rove devised the strategy that led to W being the least popular President in the history of the world. He also outed a CIA agent and probably committed more crimes than we will ever now. Yet, according to the news media who cover them, they are geniuses.

2. Weakness with Math. Before the epic beat down in the 2006 midterm elections, Rove famously declared that while the media had their math, he had “the math.” His math was horribly wrong, yet no one ever calls him on this. During a game last week with the Dodgers, Baker did not pinch hit the left handed hitting Corey Patterson against a left-handed pitcher. Baker declared that this was because Patterson, over his career, had hit left handed pitchers better. He was just as wrong as Rove. .260 against RHPs and .240 against LHPs. Once again, no mention of this glaring inability to understand how numbers work.

3. Career Success Tied to Cheaters. Karl Rove would be recognized for who he really is, a pompous arrogant fool, if not for W’s “victory” over Al Gore in 2000. Of course, W and Co. cheated the country horribly down in Florida, but it was too late. Rove was now a “political genius”. Baker, likewise, once managed a team to the World Series, and although he did not “win” like Rove, the accomplishment, and his success with the San Francisco Giants, branded him a winner. However, without the steroid induced success of Barry Bonds, the Giants most certainly would not have made the World Series.

Corey Patterson = Mike Brown of FEMA

Basically, nothing these two guys did qualified them for the position they eventually held. Patterson is a past his prime outfielder that strikes out a lot and has zero power. Past his prime may be a little cruel, since I don't think he ever really had a prime, and as a Cubs fan I would know. Regardless, because of who he knew, Dusty Baker, he was given the starting centerfield job. Likewise, Brown dealt with Arabian horses but somehow became Director of FEMA. Once these two men were required to actually perform their jobs......epic FAIL. At least Patterson's performance didn't lead Kanye West to declare that W. hates white people.

Edwin Encarnacion = Condi Rice

Edwin is a bad 3rd baseman. Rice is a bad Secretary of State. However, because they are less horrible than the other horrible people around them they don't get noticed. Not only do they not get noticed, because no one every talks about how bad they are, a lot of people assume they must be doing a pretty good job. These people are stupid.

Adam Dunn = Dick Cheney

They are both from the West. They are both terrible at their jobs. And Dunn's accuracy with a cutoff throw is about as good as Cheney's with a shotgun. And nobody likes them.

Ken Griffey Jr. = Colin Powell

There was a time when both of these guys were extremely popular. Griffey was seen as not just a Hall of Famer, but the greatest player ever. Powell was going to be the first black President. He was Obama before Obama was Obama. But something happened. Injuries, dumb ass Republicans, etc. and the next thing you know. Nothing.

Jay Bruce = Barack Obama

Yes, I know Obama is not a current or former Bush cabinet member. But, like Bruce, he is a young and exciting addition that has everyone feeling like maybe, just maybe, everything is going to work out. And they both have white moms.

A Tricky Experiment Shows TTT Becoming Famous...

I am pleased to report that the TTT is now the #3 ranked result at Google when the search terms "cincinnati reds," "barack obama," and "david lee roth" are entered.

We're sure to be a household blog in no-time!

GOP: "... and did we mention that he's BLACK"???

I've often joked about the self-contradictory nature of the attacks against Barack Obama, which I like to put as follows:

He's a secret, "Manchurian Candidate" - style jihadist Muslim, whose cover is that he attends a radical, black-separatist Christian church led by Jeremiah Wright, except for when he is trying to cover the fact that he is really a radical, black-separatist Christian who attends a church led by Jeremiah Wright by being a secret, "Manchurian Candidate" - style jihadist Muslim.

Well, in a development that's not at all unusual, someone has put it better than me and synthesized the succinct and, -er, coherent playbook on attacking Barack Obama:

Is he a Muslim, a Christian with a crazy pastor or a Communist atheist with a hippie mom?
Is he ruthless and overly ambitious or naive and weak?
Is an outsider who is "foreign" to our values or the country club goer?
Is he too South Side, too "black" or too Hyde Park and elitist ? Does he resent white people or is he part of the elite that sneers at blue-collars?
Does he not care about "little people" or is a socialist who will redistribute hard-earned money to everyone?

The thing that is so dead-on accurate is that if you've seen the viral Obama smear emails (I get them thrice daily from my dad), all of the themes are represented here. And there is zero internal logic to them. Which leads me to believe what the Obama-smearers are really saying is ....
He's Black! He's BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

I can only imagine what's next: a "you-won't-believe-what-Andy-Rooney-said-on-60-Minutes" style email, featuring the made-up words of ........ (drumroll)......

Don Imus.

I'm calling it. You heard it here first!

You want the truth, Adam Dunn? You can't handle the truth!

JP Ricciardi, the GM for your Toronto Blue Jays (why are they yours? I don't know, maybe you're from Canada or something) recently was forced to apologize for some rather candid remarks about everyone's favorite Cincinnati Red Adam Dunn (actually, that is probably not true. I think Jay Bruce is the favorite Red at this point. Or Corey Patterson, everyone loves him.) Here are Ricciardi's remarks about Dunn, who in the picture to the left is reacting to taking a called 3rd strike for about the 99th time this season:

“Do you know the guy doesn’t really like baseball that much?” Ricciardi said to the caller. “Do you know the guy doesn’t have a passion to play the game that much? How much do you know about the player? “There’s a reason why you’re attracted to some players and there’s a reason why you’re not attracted to some players. I don’t think you’d be very happy if we brought Adam Dunn here … “We’ve done our homework on guys like Adam Dunn and there’s a reason why we don’t want Adam Dunn. I don’t want to get into specifics.”Ricciardi was generally sympathetic as callers vented following the Jays 5-4 loss to Milwaukee. But Ricciardi’s demeanour changed when a caller mentioned Dunn as a hitter who might “save” the Jays’ moribund offence.“He’s a lifetime .230, .240 hitter that strikes out a ton and hits home runs,” Ricciardi said.

So, what exactly does JP need to apologize for? Let's get the easiest ones out of the way first, and that is the stats at the end. Dunn's career average year is .247, which is about what JP said, his average per year strikeouts is 181, which equals a ton, and he averages 40 home runs, which is a lot of home runs, but most of those are in the home run factory known as the Great American Ballpark.

Now, the harder stuff. Doesn't like baseball/Doesn't have a passion to play. Now, because I am not a mind reader or know Dunn personally, I don't have real insight here. However, I can make a guess based on a few things:

1. His inability to get in shape


2. His inability to improve his fielding


3. His inability to play one game in left field without some sort of defensive lapse (note: this is limited to the number of Reds games I have seen which, while quite a bit, is not every one. So, there is a chance that in the games I don't see he is Willie Mays out there, but I doubt it)

The truth is that Dunn, based on his numbers so far, is comparable to such noted All-Stars as Rob Deer, Pete Incaviglia, Glenallen Hill, and Henry Rodriguez. It is fair to say that Dunn kinda sucks and that any team trading for him and expecting an offensive savior would be disappointed. So, JP was correct.

Was there ever a real point to any of this? Probably not, but I think Dunn is terrible.

Kobe Declares Self Undefeated in Championships (of Jumping Cars)

Some Carpark, Los Angeles - Kobe Bryant held a press conference today calling out all automobiles of all makes and axles, challenging them the and their sissy drivers to come out of hiding and meet him in a parking lot anytime, anyplace, so long as there would be enough advance notice for CGI technicians to get set up before the main event.

Said Kobe, "My career as a spokesman for high-tops has never reached a higher pinnacle and I just want to push for more unparalleled success, to a point where all my critics shut there pie holes, shortly after marveling at my life and stating emphatically, 'Now that was a man who could be on the Youtube.'"

Kobe, before leaving the conference, announced that his next Youtube jump would be entirely wreckless and would incorporate jumping bail after being booked for any future sex offenses, if any would happen to come up, that is.

Nani J. Cootsack for Tricky Trail Sports

Bush in Iowa

Hey Kanye - George doesn't care about white people either.

...And Another Thing about the Plastered Trollop

While Barack Obama takes the high road and calls off the attack dogs on John McCain's trollop, Cindy, (John McCain: "at least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt!"), the "plastered trollop" herself took a pot-shot at Michelle Obama:

”Everyone has their own experience. I don’t know why she said what she said — all that I know is I’ve always been proud of my country,” McCain said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.”

Well, missy, if you want to enter the fray........FINE!

To start the week off, let's talk about your little drug addiction problem. You know, the one that had you fiending for painkillers so badly that you stole from the American Voluntary Medical Team, a third world relief organization you founded.

Yeah, how about that?

As Stephen Elliott at the Huffington Post put it,

try to imagine what the reaction would be if Michelle Obama had a history with drug addiction? If Michelle Obama had stolen drugs meant for third world countries to support her own addiction?

You had better believe Cindy the plastered trollop would be coming at Michelle Obama with claws out had the percocet-addicted shoe been on the other foot.

I know Obama has said spouses are off limits. I'm trying, I really am. But after 7.5 years of George W. Fucking Bush, my natural instinct is to do the opposite of what the president says. I'm a work in progress. By the time Obama wins the election in November, I should be back to following orders.

Reds Win for a Change We Can Believe In

Doesn't get much better than this: Reds beating the Yankees (as of the 8th - a lot could change), Votto about to double, Volquez throwing a gem, and all of it sponsored by Obama for President. Of course, Dunn just struck out swinging, but the odds of that are pretty good. I wonder if the Cowboy Jeff Brantley would consider VP? With JB, Obama could lasso the buffet-frequenting, gravy-lapping, ribs-devouring populations of middle America, which some (actually no one) consider to be the crucial vote in 2008.

Still Obama-Brantley might work.

How about that, Barack must be a Reds fan. He sponsored their W too:

McCain's Campaign Front Page Shows Empty Stadium Behind Him

I mean I guess this is an oversight, but that's a big f-up in my opinion. But thinking about the huge crowds that Obama gets - I mean, that's what he's even getting kudos for from the right - you'd think someone would have caught this blunder.

What is a Ho?

I must have missed this episode of Jeopardy:



Where's Velvet Jones when you need him?

John McSame....... and the "C" Word.

Greatest Hits:







And then this one:



And while I'm here, let me take a shot on the merits on this two-faced, senile, out-of-touch, washed up piece of shit:

The Other Side of 1.20.09

Shop here.

"You Either Are or You Aren't; and He Aren't."

Full Metal McCain.

You gotta love Matt Taibbi. He sometimes struggles to bridge two competing subjects (as here - the link between McCain's transformation from "maverick" to "Republican party stooge," and his time as a POW - which could be more easily explained as a generational perception problem between those who lived through the Vietnam era and those of us who didn't). But he more or less nails it. And who else could have you laughing your ass off over politics?

Money quote:

The reality is that the once independent-thinking McCain has
by now completely remade himself into a prototypical, dumbed-down Republican
Party stooge — one who plans to rely on the same GOP strategy that has been
winning elections ever since Pat Buchanan and Dick Nixon cooked up a plan for
cleaving the South back in 1968. Rather than serving up the "straight talk" he
promises, McCain is enthusiastically jumping aboard with every low-rent,
fearmongering, cock-sucking presidential aspirant who's ever traveled the Lee
Atwater/William Safire highway.

Above and Beyond the Call of Parenting Duty

Every parent wants their child to succeed. Many parents go to great lengths and make tremendous sacrifices to ensure that their child has every opportunity to reach his or her goals.

We rightly applaud and celebrate those parents.

Which brings us to Duyanna Anderson of Cincinnati, Ohio. Ap-PARENT-ly, Ms. Anderson was so dedicated to seeing her 12-year-old daughter succeed in street fighting, back alley brawling, and general thuggery, that she allegedly held down her daughter's opponent in a fight, while her daughter applied a beat-down.

Well, at least her heart's in the right place; it was just a little misguided parenting, that's all.

Reason No. 9,985,332,100,076,481 to Hate PETA

Who needs tear gas, riot gear, and billy clubs when the demonstration threatens to kill the demonstrators? Check it out.

Caption:

Ashley Byrne, a Washington, D.C.-based campaign coordinator with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), talks with Memphis police officers during a recent demonstration outside City Hall that coincided with World Vegetarian Week. When officers inquired about the well-being of intern Shawn Herbold (bottom) and volunteer Thomas Olsen, a sweat-soaked Herbold replied that she was in pain and feeling nauseated from the heat after being wrapped in cellophane for 30 minutes, and also asked how much longer she needed to stay there. Byrne let her know it wouldn't be much longer and left her under the hot afternoon sun for 30 minutes more while debating with the officers. PETA would never treat a cow that way, but I guess it's OK for an intern. Many organizations that focus on extremes could take note that leading through example makes more impact than demonstrating with hypocrisy.

Best. Front. Page. Ever.

Backstory here.

Evil Red Wings Owner Wario Lemieux Steals Stanley Cup

Contribution from The Onion, found by my roommate, Scheppy Claiborne.

What the- (rubs eyes, looks again)... I Don't Believe It.

The Decider decides to give an Air Force Academy graduate

a congratulatory "chest bump." All the young people are doing it.

No, no, no, no...... This is not happening. It is impossible! Im-fucking-possible.

You Suck At Photoshop