Tuesday, June 24, 2008

If Cincinnati Reds Were Current and Former Bush Cabinet Members

Our blog is now one of the TOP SITES in America for info on the Reds, Barack Obama, and David Lee Roth. This post will be hitting at least two of them, and maybe three. Depends on how much I drink between the beginning and the end of this post.

So, when it comes to classic FAIL, no one in the history of the world equals the accomplishments of the current White House resident. George W. Bush is, according to the Guinness Book of World Records (which has nothing to do with the beer), the worst President in the history of the world. Actually, that "fact" may not be true, but admit it, you're too lazy to check it. Anyway, looking at the last place Reds made me wonder what these two underachieving groups could have in common.

Dusty Baker = Karl Rove

1. Perception versus Reality. According to most of the people whose job it is to cover and write about them, these two men are geniuses. This is despite the fact that Dusty Baker ruined the careers of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, is openly mocked for several of his views, and was run out of town in Chicago. This is also despite the fact that Karl Rove devised the strategy that led to W being the least popular President in the history of the world. He also outed a CIA agent and probably committed more crimes than we will ever now. Yet, according to the news media who cover them, they are geniuses.

2. Weakness with Math. Before the epic beat down in the 2006 midterm elections, Rove famously declared that while the media had their math, he had “the math.” His math was horribly wrong, yet no one ever calls him on this. During a game last week with the Dodgers, Baker did not pinch hit the left handed hitting Corey Patterson against a left-handed pitcher. Baker declared that this was because Patterson, over his career, had hit left handed pitchers better. He was just as wrong as Rove. .260 against RHPs and .240 against LHPs. Once again, no mention of this glaring inability to understand how numbers work.

3. Career Success Tied to Cheaters. Karl Rove would be recognized for who he really is, a pompous arrogant fool, if not for W’s “victory” over Al Gore in 2000. Of course, W and Co. cheated the country horribly down in Florida, but it was too late. Rove was now a “political genius”. Baker, likewise, once managed a team to the World Series, and although he did not “win” like Rove, the accomplishment, and his success with the San Francisco Giants, branded him a winner. However, without the steroid induced success of Barry Bonds, the Giants most certainly would not have made the World Series.
Corey Patterson = Mike Brown of FEMA
Basically, nothing these two guys did qualified them for the position they eventually held. Patterson is a past his prime outfielder that strikes out a lot and has zero power. Past his prime may be a little cruel, since I don't think he ever really had a prime, and as a Cubs fan I would know. Regardless, because of who he knew, Dusty Baker, he was given the starting centerfield job. Likewise, Brown dealt with Arabian horses but somehow became Director of FEMA. Once these two men were required to actually perform their jobs......epic FAIL. At least Patterson's performance didn't lead Kanye West to declare that W. hates white people.
Edwin Encarnacion = Condi Rice
Edwin is a bad 3rd baseman. Rice is a bad Secretary of State. However, because they are less horrible than the other horrible people around them they don't get noticed. Not only do they not get noticed, because no one every talks about how bad they are, a lot of people assume they must be doing a pretty good job. These people are stupid.

Adam Dunn = Dick Cheney

They are both from the West. They are both terrible at their jobs. And Dunn's accuracy with a cutoff throw is about as good as Cheney's with a shotgun. And nobody likes them.

Ken Griffey Jr. = Colin Powell

There was a time when both of these guys were extremely popular. Griffey was seen as not just a Hall of Famer, but the greatest player ever. Powell was going to be the first black President. He was Obama before Obama was Obama. But something happened. Injuries, dumb ass Republicans, etc. and the next thing you know. Nothing.

Jay Bruce = Barack Obama

Yes, I know Obama is not a current or former Bush cabinet member. But, like Bruce, he is a young and exciting addition that has everyone feeling like maybe, just maybe, everything is going to work out. And they both have white moms.