The Giambi Turdstache - Facial Hair Plagarism Run Amok.

Out of 162 games, the Yankees and the Red Sox play each other 118 times, each of which are televised on ESPN, because the Yankees and the Red Sox are the only baseball teams that matter, and America cares about no other teams. Just take ESPN's word for it.

In case you missed it - and really, how could you - the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees played for the 73rd, 74th, and 75th time this season over the weekend. I know this because I tuned into ESPN four or five different times, and it was the one and only thing that was being discussed or broadcast. Oh yeah, that and something about former spelling bee champion, Brett Favre, pondering retirement or something like that.

Anyway, I hate ESPN. I hate how ESPN parades around as though they are "reporting" on sports, as though they are "journalists" or something. All they are is the marketing arm for whatever sport they are broadcasting. Exhibit A is how ESPN, like most of America (including the Hot Rod), totally ignored Arena Football....... until, of course, ESPN got the contract to broadcast AFL games, and then suddenly, it is a legitimate sport. That's one example. Do I even need to mention that when I think of college basketball and ESPN, I hear the sound of Mike Krzyzewski's balls rhythmically slapping against Dick Vitale's chin? No? I didn't think so.

One other story that ESPN has totally glossed over - no doubt because of its obvious East Coast bias - is that of renowned steroid abuser, Jason Giambi's turdstache. What is a turdstache? It is, as so aptly described by Nani J. Cootsack, a big brown, round mustache that looks like a turd laid across one's upper lip.

Gee, where did Giambi ever get such an idea? He wouldn't have, say, stolen that idea from a certain group of well-behaved gentlemen who lit St. Louis on fire last September with their mustaches, would he? I don't suppose that he got together with some of his baseball buddies and, in between beers, stories of pitches fouled off, and injections of HGH, learned how Conway Bangs and his crew, including the Hot Rod, drove the women wild.

OF COURSE, ESPN cannot report on this. Turdstaches are about to be the "it" facial hair style, and it just wouldn't do if the style originated in the midwest, now would it? Nope. when the turdstache is all the rage (and all of those Fred Durst wannabes with the mustache-less beards finally get all the ridicule they deserve), the storyline will already have been written: the turdstache, like all fashionable things, originated in New York.

But we know better.