Pete Rose, Kabbalah Master

Recently, two interesting reports have surfaced about Alex Rodriguez, the 32-year old Yankee slugger, and one-time baseball darling who would return baseball's home run title from the tainted taint that is Barry Bonds.

The stories have had little to do with baseball and more to do with the icons A-Rod's had dealings with off the diamond, and now baseball fans aren't so sure their last best hope for taking back what Bonds stole is such a righteous recipient.

The first story was actually kind of cute, taken out of context. It involved Alex Rodriguez, master of shredding the stat sheet (into more pieces than his life at the moment) during the season, but master of choking on more "sliders" in the postseason than a fabled Debbie once did in A-Rod's former baseball town of Dallas (okay, the Rangers play in Arlington, but who's counting?).

The story also involved Pete Rose, the banished Hit King who once ruled the diamond on both the levels of career statistics and world championships (why MLB's title taker is crowned "world" champ is beyond me - we never even play the European squads and I hear Lichtenstein has some mean hurlers).

Pete's mark in the latter category drew the interest of perpetual bridesmaid A-Rod, so much so, that the Yankee third baseman, to learn from the master the secret to winning a championship, ventured to a mall in Las Vegas where Pete now feeds himself by signing "Sorry I bet on baseball" for $299.ESPN's Tom Friend does a good job of describing the evolution of the relationship of A-Rod and Pete; or does he? Sure, the details regarding text messages between Mr. Ty-Cobb-Can-Suck-It and Mr. Post-Season No-Show are neat, at best, with Charlie Hustle telling A-Rod to "hit the ball hard somewhere" or "know the pitchers," but Friend fails to understand the deeper role of Rose in the life of A-Rod, clues of which reveal themselves in a more recent story about the Bronx boob.

Story number two involves a wannabe Jew who had the misfortune of being born Italian Catholic and named after a certain virgin mother of Jesus. "Madonna Ciccone," I imagine, makes it harder to convincingly say, "Hey, I'm a Jew," or "I'm fucking Matt Damon," than if she were named, say, "Sarah Silverman."

Either way, the cone-titted 49-year old pop has-been, whose most recent claim-to-fame was making out with freakshows Britney Spears and Dennis Rodman, is said to have "brainwashed" A-Rod in the ways of Kabbalah and even guided him to a Kabbalah master who has led A-Rod through a rite of passage known as "cleaning out the vessel" where the newbie gets rid of the old and brings in the new, according to a Fox Sports report.

In A-Rod's case, getting rid of the old appears to incorporate ditching his wife and 2 children, one of which is his baby daughter with whom the slugger has spent at least several quality minutes of fatherhood over the course of a few visits. Apparently A-Rod lost interest in the tike when she couldn't pitch batting practice to him in the hospital's neo-natal care facility. In reaction, Cynthia Rodriguez has fled with her children to Italy, to the home of rocker Lenny Kravitz, who is clearly an adulterer.

Several rabbis' names have been floated in reports and attributed to Madonna's kabbalah connections and her brainwashing of A-Rod, including Rabbi Michael Berg and Rabbi Eitan Yardeni.

However, one rabbi, despite the crack-journalism of Tom Friend, has remained unconnected to the A-Rod/C-Rod/Madonna controversy, despite his clear contact with the baseball star.

Rabbi Peter Edward Rose (born Rosenkrantz), who many would suspect to be a blue-collar church-goer (okay, maybe church is a stretch) from the Western Hills neighborhood in Cincinnati, was actually a Jew. In fact, Charlie Hustle's Jewishness is so far under the radar that even the most "right"-minded folks have discredited the notion, though not all, and he's even been left off the viral list of famous Jewish athletes.

Reached for comment by TTT, the Hit King exclaimed, "Bupkis, that's all this A-Rod connection has gotten me! Bupkis!"

Meanwhile, Marge Schott, with one cigarette in her hand and one in her mouth, rolled over in her grave, which also contained the bones of three dead St. Bernards.