Guess It's Time To Pry That Thing From Your Cold, Dead Hands, Huh?

Gun owners everywhere mourn the loss of gun advocate, ass munch, and conservative shill, Charlton Heston, who died Saturday. The rest of us couldn't care less.

Personally, I don't give two shits about Charlton Heston, the actor. He starred in Ben-Hur, The Ten Commandments, and Planet of the Apes, three movies among many that mean nothing to me.

As a political activist, I don't know of many who could boast of a bigger political U-turn than this man. Read his Wikipedia page, here. It is pretty remarkable. In the '60's, Heston supported JFK, protested a segregated theater in which one of his films was debuting, and stood side-by-side, literally, with Martin Luther King, Jr., in supporting the civil rights movement.

But by the 1980's, Heston had officially transformed into the complete and total asshole those of us born in the 1970's and later grew to know and loathe: an opponent of affirmative action; a staunch advocate of gun rights, and self-proclaimed "culture warrior." Reading up on the man, his positions, and some of his speeches, he really was Rush Limbaugh (without a radio booth) before Limbaugh was Limbaugh - there is the irrationality, the hyperbole, the paranoia, and the endless self-victimization that has made the conservative movement the petty series of hate objects that it is today.

I mean, it takes a certain level of self-delusion to actually believe, as ol' Chuck did, that you can be a purveyor of the 'why-don't-we-white-guys-have-civil-rights-like-all-the-minorities,' line of shit that rednecks can't get enough of, and yet still boast of your experiences with Dr. King in the 1960's, as if it's all part of the same struggle for civil rights.

Luckily for him (and for us), he is no longer under seige from the godless, liberal, homosexual agenda-advancing, CNN-watching, New York Times-reading, Olbermann-watching, Huffington Post-reading, gun-opposing, abortion-enabling, terrorist apologists who have been out to get him and bring down all of midwest and southern America since the 1970's.