Tejada Reveals to Mom He Was Born Toddler

In a week in which the Dominican-born slugger for the Houston Astros revealed to his club that he is actually 33-years old, and not 31 as listed in the players guide, and that he lied to the Oakland Athletics when he signed at the age of 19, not 17, Miguel Tejada, who also informed MLB Commissioner Bud Selig that his "alleged steroid use, just alleged," began two years earlier than thought, phoned his mother in the Caribbean to let her know that he was actually aged two years and five months, when born.

In full weep, Tejada explained to "mi madre" that his accelerated human development and his development as a ballplayer began in her womb, that as a fetus he began fielding grounders with his barely formed appendages and using clotted debris from her uteran wall for a ball. "When you thought I was kicking, I was actually smacking line-drives with the umbilical cord," Tejada explained to the woman he said he owed "mi vida."

From the time of his birth, Tejada told his mother, his agent informed him that he would one day be a major-leaguer and that he would have to take certain actions to ensure that destiny would be fulfilled. Chief among them, Tejada must hide his real age, even from his family.

As he longed for his schoolboy days when he still suckled at his mommy's teet, Tejada sobbed, "Mi Mami, I was never your little Miguelito; I was always All-Star Shortstop Miguel Tejada."

In turn, Tejada, who hid the fact that he could not only walk erect at 4 weeks but could also steal bases while chewing tobacco, pretended to be a helpless baby by waffling around with the other infants with whom he was cribbed.

The infielder also apologized to his mother for his regularly crapped pants as late as age 11 while pretending to be a potty-defiant "terrible two." "Sorry mamacita, I never did math good and I thought I was still a bebe."

Tejada, despite his advanced age of 33, still wets the bed.

Nani J. Cootsack reporting for Tricky Trail Sports