Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Local Soccer Team Celebrates at Moral Victory Parade (of Booze)

April 13, Atlanta -- Elated members of Sting SC, an Atlanta-based soccer club of yeomen, wasted no time reveling in alcohol-induced, celebratory repression of their 3-2 Perrin Cup Final loss to Atlanta Silverbacks Reserves earlier that day.

The team, uplifted by a steady diet of Stella Artois and repeatedly rationalizing how "we should have won," relived glorious moments from the game and downplayed the Silverbacks' success at the Tin Roof Cantina, a place that manager Jason Rousseau asserted "always makes us feel like champions, even when we've just screwed the pooch."

A steady parade of beer and liquor marched to the team's table and quickly goose-stepped into their bloodstreams, completely erasing memories of life-long dreams shattered.

Winger Mike Hobbes, fresh from a shot of Grand Marnier which he affectionately called "Grammaw," recalled his favorite moment of the final: "During warm-ups when Chad put on Soulja Boy, that really had me amped - that was just an awesome feeling."

"Many of us had just watched the Man U./Arsenal match and we were looking around wondering who would be our version of Owen Hargreaves," remarked utility-man Chris Thurner, pictured left and clearly feeling the effects of post-game fun. "To get the opportunity to dream like that is priceless. Just brilliant."

Others undercut their opponents' victory.

"Hell, I actually scored a decisive goal for them. That should count for something," said defender Garrett H. Browne, just as his swig of Gramma-mah kicked in. "The score should have been a tie - two and a half to two and a half!"

Goalkeeper Ben McKrayonzie concurred, "Yeah, and that ball was too high. Isn't there a rule about the ball traveling too high? I saw an Indians baseball game once and that was the case. They called a home run back 'cause the ball went too high. That ref was blind."

Some players immediately abandoned the defeat through blatant pomp.

Mats Sknoope, injured for the match, drinking since noon and already practicing for a one-eyed drive home, shouted, "Shzink! I can't believe we won!!! Shzink! The lads looked great from up in that crow's nest I was perched upon. Damn, what a game!" Despite reminders that his team had actually lost and that he was actually nestled up with a bottle of Old Crow beneath some gym bags on the sideline, Sknoope dismissed the claims and kept carousing, "Shzink! Go Reds! Who Dey! That referee should have had his white book handy! Waitress, do you have your white book? Waitress, you will not find my tab in the bi-laws! Who Dey!"

Another Stinger was equally delusional.

"I told the world the score would be 3-2," reminded forward Chad B, "and it was. I should join the circus and be a fortune teller."

A few of Sting's supporters also made merry at the moral victory parade.

"I just came for the drinks - I heard they might be free," explained one of them, Quentin Mostolder. "I don't even like these guys all that much."


Quentin said...

...and I'm the only one who read the bolg as well. Where is my beers?

Mike Dobbs said...

Great stuff. I don't remember being there, must have been the Grammaw?

Nani J. Cootsack said...

I wasn't there either... at least i don't think i was