Dear Marion Barber

Dear Marion Barber,

I understand what you are going through right now, believe me, and I know it must be tough. I read about your little baby toe getting squished in that game two weeks ago, and if my opponent in fantasy football hadn’t had you on her roster I would have felt really bad. But now I see that Mr. Jones is coming down kind of hard on you for not playing against the Steelers and talking about your littlest toe all the time, and I want you to know you are not alone, bro.

First of all some advice. I know how much your teeny tiny toe hurts, but you can’t keep talking about it. Try to change the subject to something else like the weather or the real estate market… “boy is it tanking”, etc. I speak from personal experience, because several months ago I broke my toe. Not the same one as yours – mine was having roast beef, and the ones next to it on the right stayed home and on the left had none, respectively, whereas your toe went wee wee wee wee all the way home.

I broke it in a soccer game, and it kept me out of action for a few weeks too, very painful. I play in several men’s leagues here in Atlanta. Apparently I talked about that toe way too much, like when we were going to the store I would remind my girlfriend how much my toe hurt and it was keeping me off the soccer field and could she carry the groceries. Or we might be watching a movie on the couch and I would take off my sock and say does it still look swollen, or talk about how it hurt to walk and could she maybe get me a pillow, etc. One day we were driving down the road and I made some comment about how much it was hurting, my toe, and she cut me off and said that nobody really wanted to hear about my toe, and that it was tiring and could I shut the hell up.

I didn’t know what to say, and I can see that you and Jerry have arrived at a similar impasse. I can only guess what your relationship is really like, but if you want to salvage it then you can’t talk about your toe anymore. Not to Jerry, not to Flozell, not to Adrian or Troy Polamalu or anyone, not even Romo or his lady friend with the big lips. You’re just going to have to suck it up and sit out quietly until it’s feeling ok. I suggest RICE – rest, ice, C something, and elevations.

In my book you made the right move not playing against the Steelers - your least large digit was not in playing shape, and you don’t want to risk permanent nerve damage. I should also mention that as a lifelong Steelers fan I know how dangerous it is to get on the field with them – remember Carlston Palmer in that playoff game a couple years ago got his leg seriously injured on a perfectly fair play by the Steelers linesman. You don’t want that to happen. I think they recently had to amputate that leg.

As a Steelers fan I don’t generally like the Cowboys, and usually hope they die. But your circumstances call out to me, and I would like to help. In college I was pretty quick, and could run about a 4.7 40. Not like your 4.3 speed, but respectable, and I’m shifty. Now, at 40 years old, I can still probably pull a 5.3 or 5.4 40, but I’m about Dunn sized, 5’9”, 170, and can fit through some tackles. What’s best is my toe is perfectly fine, and I’m willing to replace you in the next couple games to help Dallas get a playoff birth.

Let me know what you think. You can call me anytime on my cell. Maybe we could get a meatball sub and (not) talk about our toes sometime.

Sincerely,
QMM