An Imaginary Conversation With Renowned Poster Boy for the Dangers of Inbreeding, Toby Keith

Message to Toby Keith: "Nice mullet, asshole."

Toby Keith, douchebag and country music singer, is a hero to thousands of Americans with four teeth or less and double-digit IQs. Many of these third-grade drop-outs were clamoring for Keith to be named Dubya Bush's Secretary of State after he recorded his song, "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." (Lyrics: "You'll be sorry you messed with the US of A; 'Cuz we'll put a boot up your ass; It's the American Way..." To them, it made sense: kicking ass and starting wars simply because you can is fucking cool! At least when the USA does it.... when someone else does it, then that's a reason for the USA to go to war to stop what the USA can do when it wants. If that makes no sense, just schedule a lobotomy or hit yourself in the head with a brick ten times a day until you start to enjoy Toby's music. If anyone sees you doing this with a brick, they will likely cry out in horror, "what are you doing??!!" Your response: "I'm training."

Keith has been at it again recently. First, there was his song advocating lynching. That is a rather timely policy position, in light of Barack Obama's candidacy for President. And black folks don't find the concept of lynching offensive of course, because it has nothing to do with any past historical injustices or anything. Nope, nothing like that.

Well, recently, Toby Keith, who apparently majored in African American studies when he attended .... oh wait, a man of the people like Toby Keith would never do something elitist like, say, get an education, so nevermind. Keith has nevertheless annointed himself the spokesperson for all African-Americans, recently noting on the Glenn Beck show, "I think the black people would say he [Obama] don't talk, act or carry himself as a black person."

Nice.

Where does a man as cultured as Toby Keith gain such insight? One has to wonder. Or at least, I wonder. So, I've tried to imagine having a conversation with Toby Keith.

The Hot Rod: Hi Toby.

Toby Keith: (singing) The Big Dog Daddaaaaaaay!!!!

HR: Excuse me??

TK: I'm the (singing) Big Dog Daddaaaaaay!!! You can call me the (singing) Big Dog Daddaaaaaaay!!!

HR: Um, ok.

TK: Actually, Ford Trucks are the (singing) Big Dog Daddaaaaaaaay!! But I like to call myself the Big Dog Daddaaaaaaaay!!

HR: So, you are a pretty big patriot.

TK: Aw yeah, man, you know I am. I love the US of A. And I pledge allegience to my man, George W. Bush every day, man.

HR: I'm sorry, did you mean pledging allegience to the flag? You said to George W. Bush.

TK: I know man. George is my man, man. He's from the Big 12 conference, and he likes to kick ass, especially the asses of those A-Rabs. Those A-Rabs from Iraq and Iran attacked us on 9/11, so we need to put a boot up their ass and take their oil because we need it.

HR: OK, let's talk about something other than foreign policy.

TK: Sports, beer, or trucks, man. Take your pick.

HR: How about sports? Are you looking forward to the Olympics?

TK: They don't play football in the Olympics do they?

HR: No.

TK: Well, alright then. There you go. I don't watch no sissy sports.

HR: Sissy sports?

TK: Yeah, swimming, diving, running around the football field in circles without never going on it. Sissy sports.

HR: What about basketball? That's an olympic sport.

TK: Just a bunch of ni-, I mean sissys.

HR: Wow. That was uncomfortable. What about baseball?

TK: Just a bunch of illegals.

HR: Ok, what about some of the women's sports - some of those chicks are pretty hot, don't you think?

TK: Have you taken a close look at those little ladies? First off, they got that six-pack abs, which tells me they don't drink no beer. I don't trust a women won't drink beer. And then..... what comes after first?

HR: Second?

TK; Second! Right! Second, those chicks, are chicks, which makes them like the Dixie Chicks, and I hate the Dixie Chicks because they're un-American. And then..... (uncomfortable pause)

HR: Third?

TK: Exactly! Third! Third, some of those girls got muscles, and they look like dudes. And I ain't no queer, so I ain't into dudes, 'cause I ain't no queer. I'll tell anybody, I ain't no queer. And so I don't care about no Olympics because I ain't no queer. See, what don't nobody tell you about sports is that you gotta be a queer to like 'em, and so that's why I don't like sports, cause I ain't no queer. Except for football. So, I mean. There you go.

HR: Ok, there you go indeed.

TK: What do you mean, there I go in deed?

HR: Nevermind.


Boy that was fun, wasn't it? Just like being a little kid, using your imagination to create fun! And yes, I know that it is hypocritical for me to make fun of Toby Keith for purporting to know what African Americans (a culture which he apparently knows nothing about) think about Barack Obama by purporting to know what Toby Keith thinks about the Olympics, or anything. That was intentional. It was "ironic" just like rain on your wedding day.