Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Newsflash: Laborers At Republican Outrage Factory To Unionize

In surprising development, workers at the official Republican Outrage Factory have met with representative of the Teamsters, in what is widely viewed as the first step toward a vote to unionize.

A worker who spoke to the Tricky Trail Times on condition of anonymity for fear of retribution, confirmed the suspicions. He explained, "lately it has just been unbearable. Ever since day 2 of the RNC, we just can't seem to create enough of our manufactured outrage."

The conditions went from bad to worse on the thrid day of convention, when Surprise Vice Presidential nominee, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, shot sarcastic zingers one after the other at, among other targets, Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama, the media, and any other person with or without a heartbeat who was not a registered Republican.

The already long hours at the Republican Outrage manufacturing facility turned into non-stop production. "Yeah, then it just got crazy," said the source. "I mean, the media - we were prepared for that, obviously. We have an entire assembly line dedicated to nothing but manufactured outrage at the media. And its fully automated, so any perceived slight, no matter how -well, stupid, and we can manufacture any amount of outrage, more or less on demand."

"And it looks genuine, too. For the most part," he added.

"But we just weren't prepared to manufacture outrage at community organizers. I mean, c'mon!" the source complained. "To do that right and make the outrage even look half real, you really need to dedicate a whole other assembly line just to that task."

Rather than do so, however, the source reports, the factory locked the doors and forced all shifts to stay with nothing more than 20-minute naps on cots in between their twenty-three hour and forty minute shifts.

"And so there we were trying to manufacture outrage for that, in between manufacturing outrage at the Washington D.C. establishment, Hollywood actors, elites, and the rich and wealthy," he explained. "I mean, take away the actors and that's our base!"

"Where's the sense in that?" he asked. "It's not right. Not right. You can't put us through all this. I mean, we should be getting overtime at least, right?"

The harsh conditions inspired the factory workers to explore organizing for purposes of collective bargaining with the Republicans.

Officials from the Republican Outrage manufacturing facility initially declined comment for this story, but later told Rodney "Hot Rod" Lincoln, "you fucking communist! We know who you are, and once we .... hey, is that a God Damned microphone?? You son of a bitch... [inaudible]..."

In the last several days, the McCain / Palin campaign have engineered new controversies, for which Republicans are, naturally, outraged. The lights at the Republican Outrage Factory have consistently remained illuminated.

The Tricky Trail Times sought to interview the original source of the story to see how the manufacturing of outrage over Barack Obama's comment about putting lipstick on a pig, which was made in reference to McCain's policies, and is a line commonly uttered by McCain himself, has affected working conditions. We learned, sadly, that the source had already died of exhaustion when we discovered his lifeless body lying next to John McCain's integrity in a shallow grave in the back of the factory property.

Nevertheless, from observations of the factory's shipping operations, it appears that the volume of outrage being manufactured by the plant has never been higher.

-- Rodney "Hot Rod" Lincoln, fake reporting for the Tricky Trail Times.