Tuesday, November 18, 2008

What's better than Belgian waffles?

Belgian action heroes named Jean Claude Van Damme.

Nani will admit, he hasn't exactly had JCVD on the brain since he'd seen him on TNT seemingly ever day after school in junior high, and Nani is pretty sure you haven't kept up the homoerotic martial arts master either.
Remember when Benito Santiago used to catch for the Padres?

So, what sparked this entry? Well, last week at the pub, while the Action Jacksons were proving Chubbs' severe lack of "drinkability," Carl and friends were being entertained by three monitors. In the middle was the Hawks' near victory over the Celtics, on the right was some bloody UFC battle, and on the left, with the entire bar counting their lucky stars, was Bloodsport, starring Jean Claude Van Damme and featuring the 'roid-rage neck-breaking of Chong Li. We had a hard time deciding which was real and more entertaining: UFC or Bloodsport.

What a classic film. And did you know that Forest Whitaker is in it? Nani can't believe he didn't win an award for his role.

Coincidental to Nani being force-fed oiled-up images of dudes in Skidz pants, Jean Claude is attempting to bust out of the shackles of obscurity by promoting the documentary the world has been waiting for, JCVD, which the San Francisco Chronicle calls a "shrewd satire about stardom and the cult of celebrity." Some call it Van Damme's finest acting ever; however, it may not be better than his performance on the red carpet during an interview with a young female reporter. Here's a transcript of the sexual-harassment laced interview (hat tip, Celebitchy):

There ‘ s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.

Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.

So you ‘ ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I ‘ m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don ‘ t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

If you'd like to catch a glimpse of what JCVD is all about, watch the trailer. Nani has not yet watched and hopes he doesn't regret posting it:

Just watched it. Great line: "If there was no more oxygen, all planes and birds would crash."

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